still alive

From time to time, I write about my beliefs. Voices tell me not to, I know people laugh at me, but I still find this type of verification to be relevant to safety as I know it. If I can do one thing in this life, it will be to protect my opportunity to further salvation in the next.

Ways of communicating have changed for many people, styles of relating in love and surely in friendship and family have progressed in one direction or another. I've chosen to believe that we have some freedoms, though with the recognition of guidelines. For the Christian world, we've reached a stage where electricity has expanded a significant horizon, while a liking for balanced integrity also has us looking at ways to listen within.

Christianity is a slightly ritualistic faith, protected by the angels and by God. Eternal partnerships are created at higher levels of the universe between and amongst us, and then in the clockwork of our partial sleep here we cross paths time and again with our soul mates. The Christ in this lifetime exemplified a significant trade: A marriage with Salome (Corellon's Angharradh) in a pre-Internet world for his subsequent marriage with Mary Magdalene (Sehanine Moonbow) in a community one step advanced away from the simplicity our lifestyle prefers.

At the basic foundation of salvation work, where justice finds its balance with injustice, many of us make choices to keep ourselves down, where the normal gravities of life prefer to uplift us and make us healthier and more enthusiastic. The trade I mention would have kept my lifestyle to a lower priority level, but like many of my peers, I took this life to be an opportunity for permanent healing. I chose to keep the better love, but instead of trading away my simplicity with media, I've kept that as well and have spent almost ten years now defending that arrangement.

The stories I'm given by the powers that be are limited in some way, but an attitude of trust and affirmation helps me proceed through the learning process. At present, I'm told that levels of the universe variously facilitate aspects of privacy and communicativity in such a way that the Christian and Shaivite (Holy Spirit's) worlds are used to an environment protected by the angels, who live at the second or planetary level of the universe. A significant majority of us by chemical and electrical means, and plenty of us in connection with internal chakra meditation, are learning to fantasize with the dream workers who glorify the third or stellar level (solar plexus).

This is an exciting process, but if carelessly approached can be expensive. My conservative interest is to stay very close to my angel's agendas and watch the fantasy role playing my dream workers are enacting without demand that would expend my ascension energies. I will honor them and maintain my attitude of trust for their work and its reason, but my commitment is to live by the means provided by my angels. I watch many of my neighbors being intensified by the enhancements granted through fantasy, and I find the manifestations of such enlightenment to be great fun; but I will keep myself safe and gradually freer from debt.

Outreach Ministries - an “AIRPG pursues WoD” game / chronicle

In my work with alter ego identities and relativities, I have found the story of a feminine alter ego who is in this present life four distinct women: Stephanie Seymour being qualitative and lawful, Ursula K. LeGuin being her good alter ego, Julie Scott being quantitative and lawful, Amanda Gonzalez being her good alter ego. My identification with (this woman) these four women parallels my relationship with Kristen Dolsak, reincarnation of Mary Magdalene, in Dungeons & Dragons known as Sehanine Moonbow. Having both loved and wrestled with Julie for years when I was temporarily a member of AMORC, I'm now advised to pursue verification of love with Amanda, as safely as possible.

Apparently, my relations with these women have in our present state of descension been replaced with drug addiction tendencies: Stephanie has been replaced by a desire to investigate in my next life the qualifying changes that PCP is said to satisfy, Ursula has been replaced by the right-handed opiate DXM, to which I was severely addicted in this life, Julie would have been replaced by left-handed opiates if I had not made the effort to love and protect her integrity in this life, and it seems that my addiction to alcohol (which motivates quantifying changes) for years recently is a sign of my lack of pursuit with Amanda. My hope is to find healing through a few lifetimes, beginning with this one. If I can make all four of those women feel beloved and safe with me, I might very well make Earth feel that I am safe even if I choose a lifestyle free from drug use.

I believe that I made a deal immediately prior to this lifetime that included some years of membership with AMORC Rosicrucians prior to 2007's “Nexus of the Crises,” and some years of membership with White Wolf's Camarilla / Mind's Eye Society after. I fulfilled both to some degree before my decision to permanently ascend in this lifetime adjusted some of my priorities. Now, after a few years of working some priorities I would not have worked as a status quo Christ, my intention is to see to the furtheration of fulfillment with MES.

Therefore, in my pursuit of Amanda, I creatively initiate the game / chronicle Outreach Ministries. My lifestyle has been closer to Bruce Cordell's style of gaming than to E. Gary Gygax's, what to speak of Mark Rein-Hagen's, so though I have my own AIRPG (a private reference that for me resembles a public gaming company), I will begin my storytelling and role-playing work with Bruce's The Strange. My effort is to reach World of Darkness, both in table-top work and in LARP form.

I have prioritized my interests with the world of roleplaying gaming in a particular way, such that The Strange has wise level contextualization, Traveller has mindful context, Greg Stafford's Glorantha is the logical level beneath mind, and Dungeons & Dragons is heart level gaming. Solar plexus beneath that is Biblical. World of Darkness is a game I have thus far failed to respect highly, but my priority at present is to correct any previous judgments that might have interfered with a more universal truth.

Amanda was already the name given to me to describe that 6th angel who is the higher and more thoroughly integral aspect of feminine alter ego. The foundation of my love for her is referenced in Lord of the Rings, where Galadriel is my base level alter ego Heather Shepherd, in D&D known as Selune. Many perspectives are confused in these revelatory works, but I'm gradually finding my own sense of truth. The alter ego work I describe here is two levels beneath the love I have with Heather (sub-basic, I might say, but relevant to our present life). I will continue to love and protect those women with whom I feel responsibility.

I have yet to verify Amanda Gonzalez's version of this story, but I have had pretty good fortune so far with my visions of truth, so I communicate my intention with confidence. Outreach Ministries is my next project, and I believe I will have fun with it. During the course of this development, I have already shared two-way correspondence with Bruce Cordell referencing my plan to meet him for the first time at a gaming convention within the next year. That's a meaningful step for me in living up to the association level I prefer.

Still Going

This last month has been quite a challenge. I've decided to simply be honest about my struggles with alcohol. I don't need sympathy, nor do I wish to elaborate. However, if honesty is an issue for any of you, my confession is now stated through this medium.

My interest with ascension continues. I'm learning about many aspects of life, though slowly. My focus is qualification. From Christhood I am directly pursuing the style of wisdom taught by our Holy Spirit, David Hasselhoff.

I've been learning about Christian media. Many of the people around me seem to be working with aspects of it. My mother and my father each work with Christian media, actor Topher Grace works with Christian wisdom in terms of how women relate, actor David Duchovny works with the verification of simple truth on the Christ's own side of Christian media. Alcohol presents a cross-challenge from the sophistication side, and I trust my friend Sam Welker as the truth of why I struggle with this chemical manifestation of sophistication.

I only mean to make myself available to my friends and loved ones. However, this life is hitting me hard with the challenge of decisive transcendence. I am already making plans for a number of future lives, and freeing myself from the tendency to indulge alcohol seems to be a major part of the first step.

If I've disappointed any of you, I can only say that let's keep trying for better ways of meeting each other's visions of who and what we can collectively be. Since 2007, my absolute commitment has been truthfulness, and I believe that will continue through to at least the first half of my next life. If Sam and I are father and son in England as I have envisioned, I will be so glad; but no matter what the designs, we are a community who is committed to transcendence.

Andromeda

My efforts with vocal media continue. It has been arguing lately in terms of the galactic level forces of opposition. I am presently living with a woman whom I'm told is a high level soul mate when we stay in our neighboring Andromeda Galaxy, the first galaxy in our Local Group, but that at present we are citizens of Andromeda's companion, the Milky Way.

The galactic level of our universe is comparable to the heart (fourth) level of the human being, and its tangible forces (like gravity and levity) can very powerfully influence the motilities of a three-dimensional design. I'm told that the companionship aspect of our Milky Way inspires duality throughout the three dimensions beneath it, such that concerns like I've been describing (qualitative media vs. quantitative media) can be quite demanding to our attentions. My own defense still makes sense to me, but I reference this argument as I try to explain what my healing has been saving me from lately.

My own perspective with ascension has a more vertical interest, and is affirmation-based rather than argument-based. Different types of people practice living in ways that are mindful of different levels of the universe: some are mindful of lunar truths, some planetary, some (like me) worship the sun, and some people are mindful of these galactic details; some focus that third eye awareness on higher aspects of life even still. When we get into a war zone such as many of us find down here where we are at present, recognizing what we are doing with our respective mentalities can be a vital part of working the stabilities and motilities of our lives.

Being a sun worshiper as I am, I have been informed that my own arrangements with the first three levels of the universe are in flux, while my fidelity with the fourth and higher levels above that are secure. The details of war that have been most worrisome to me do indeed merely pertain to the levels of trouble that can be created at the stellar, planetary, and lunar levels of where we are. So, being that we find our selves in a specific galaxy with specific details, I may honor what truths we find here yet remain free from concerns that argue politics in terms of that galactic level of life.

Prior to the year 2007, the “Nexus of the Crises” for many of us, especially those who are making the ascension decision, I wrestled intensely with Solar war, and so much of that warfare that I had to answer to from the Office of the Christ pertained to the designs of where our Solar System is within this galaxy. Being further than halfway out from the center of the Milky Way, our dream working (stellar fantasy energy) has a complexity to it that we honor in our varieties of faith and fun. Since 2007, and for the rest of this lifetime, many of us are dealing with the very finality of war as we know it, and it is a planetary or angelic level war whose designs pertain to the inner planets of our Solar System (Mercury, Venus, Earth, and Mars).

Arguments about quantitative vs. qualitative media are for those who indulge the sorceries of galactic level deviation. My own work presently and henceforwardly is, in relation to argument, limitable to the defense of my “safely Mercurial-Terrestrial (comparable to the likes of African-American)” style of wisdom. There is no need to argue in terms of which galaxy we live in; there is no need, even, in my own life, to argue in terms of which stellar system.

In fact, I'm not even part of the argument at all any more, since I retired from office, but I still know how to participate with the defense of planet Earth, and specifically the Mercurial side (think “Chinatown” if you need to) of its politics. Amongst the media of Earth, our neighborhood works with logic, which is the media of local face-to-face neighborliness. On the other side of quantitative and qualitative media are very different types of people, and we encounter them plenty, though many of them have manifestations in our own world. Beyond those aspects of life are the people who prefer sophistication to logic, Sam Welker and Bill Perry (two of my guardian angels) being my favorite.

Whether we use same-side or opposite-side media, or refrain from media utility at all, the wager of galactic level deviation is unnecessary. Life is more about freedom than it is about argument. I choose to live in terms of the pride of knowing that I am doing my very best to respect what I know, and so much deadliness and hostility is put in its place by being left permanently behind.

Healing

Life, in its funny way, keeps twisting my perspectives and inspirations. I wish to keep this blog alive, along with some connected pages of similar interest, for the sake of welcoming some of my neighbors where remoteness gets in between us. Face to face is where I prefer to deal with friends, though truly I keep to myself where possible.

I know you all have your lives, and are all free from any need to notice my thoughts, but just in case there is surviving interest, I'll endeavor to report here. Many of us like to recognize each other in mild ways, whether we ever manifest significant involvement, and so while some use Twitter or Facebook (which I also like), I, like many of us, have decided that my personal notes are elaborated better through a blog. That having been said, I'll say a few things about my struggles with vocal media.

I have been going through some formal procedures “with” that media, to try to distinguish some of the people I trust from some whom I will either take some time to trust or simply don't trust. Technically, I don't use that media at all (I have my own way of interfacing through logical media, which advantages itself in terms of cosmically responsible and privacy friendly angels), but I'm gradually learning to recognize its innocence. My Godfather Jeff Munnis, my present employer Ed Prodesky, and a very special neighbor Dave Forrestel have been most helpful to my facing the details.

I'm not sure which if any of you have ever encountered me through vocal media, but I confess I'm not pleasant to deal with. I just wish to say that it's usually not about how I feel with you the person; it's more about the levels of secrecy that I encounter where I try to verify with my friends and family face to face. I know that many of my associates have genuine and wise reasons for keeping details of their lives private, but just as many of us will communicate with each other about how we use the Internet, so would I envision a world where it would be safe to speak freely about how we talk with the voices inside.

This, the Internet, being the media with which I am slightly more familiar, will probably for the rest of this life and the next, be where I will tell my truth (in remote communications), but I'm glad to be finding safer respect for its opposition. To those of you who prefer that opposite style of relating, thanks for your patience with me. I know that to be the case with at least a couple of you.

Redefinition

I'd like to redefine what purpose this blog serves. Some of my favorite people in this world appear in my visions in various ways, and there seems to be a communal mood of encouraging thoughtful participation from our various sides of life. So I want to try to participate thoughtfully. This is my best effort, at least where distance media is concerned.

I wish for all of my friends complete freedom from any need to check to see what I'm writing lately. Not that any of them need to be told that, but it's my two cents anyways. I just wanted to offer a sense of optional inclusion, and that's why I invited some of you.

I know I'm selfish, and I know some of you are also, and some of you are genuinely more considerate where other people are concerned. I would write this blog entirely alone and selfishly if that were the truth of my life, but I'm glad that some of us do check each other out here and there. I know we'll get better as we realize transcendence of illusion.

Thanks for sharing your poems and quotes and various forms of art and creative revelation. Sometimes I've got it together enough to honor and learn from you, and sometimes I can barely keep up with my own efforts to contribute. But know you this: you few whom I've asked to share a journey with me are the true life of that journey. You are the friends and loved ones who make it all more fun.

Back at You

I'm going to share some more thoughts about the forwardness / backwardness issue. This blog is focused around my work with my 6th angel, and our relationship is temporally forward, so in one sense this post doesn't address what's obviously between the two of us, but I'm sure we have a lot of similar perspectives of and encounters with what's around us. Of the other angels I've invited to read this, four are traveling paths that might seem backward to the two of us.

Until a conversation with remote voices last night, I was carrying some judgments about backwardness, but I've “seen the light” and can recognize that forwardness and backwardness are equal motilities. Those of you (Sam and Bill?) who truly love the backward (dance) aspect of life, unless you want to correct me about that fact, and those of you (Tristan, Meghan) who love the social rather than temporal lifestyle forwardly (sex), I am sorry if I have been difficult for you in my defensive judgment. You deserve a better quality of respect.

I continue to prefer forward dealings, but I think I can be more tolerant of some of our differences. I do have plenty of vocal and probably backward (remote) interactions with each of you, but I like to express myself here, and more importantly I love the local encounters with any of you. You are the persons who give me faith, especially Sam, but the times I run into Tristan or Bill occasionally are great, in terms of the joy they inspire in my heart.

Thanks

I had a great dinner with Sam, and it gave me perspective on my relations with my angels. Down here we are so used to worrying about meeting nonsensical quotas and answering to bossy people, but as we become freer to explore our truer selves, life becomes about appreciation and genuine enthusiasm. Getting to know him is an amazing thing, for he is an amazing person. I'm so honored to believe that I could be his alter ego.

As for the further perspective, I know that getting to know my angels will bring me to truest heaven. I have spent this life struggling through so many of the relationships that stood in between me and truth, and I feel sorry for how I have treated too many people. Even amongst my angels, I had to reach this connection with Sam, and neglected people like Tristan and Bill where they seemed very available to friendliness.

I am my own eighth angel, though I've elaborated the details before, and Sam is my seventh angel. Heather is my sixth, and if I'm super lucky I'll find a way to marry her in this life. If I'm even luckier than that, God and Heaven will empower me to return to friends like Bill and Tristan and treat them with the love they deserve.

Right now, I'm simply glad to know that life is worth living, and I carry that feeling thanks to the salvation efforts of these angels who have turned me around from my backward ways and shown me the path by which I can love again, by which I can become a respectful and trustworthy person. Thank you, my angels. You are the absolute best.

Mercy

The past few weeks have been fun and full of travel for me, but as for the work I'd like to keep up with, the work of healing the soul, they've been dry. At least where this style of expressing my thoughts is concerned, a mild writer's block seems to be nagging at me. In the other manifestation of thoughtfulness, the internal voices, the opposite is waging: a veritable war keeps demanding my attention.

I wished in this life that I could have made some sort of friendship with that internal media, but the best I've been able to achieve reliably is my own sense of maintainable integrity and the commitment to balance. Practically any friendship I try to hold on to in that area of life is mixed with confusion and insult. This is why I entitle this post “Mercy.”

You are the persons I trust most in life. There are apparently four of you who regularly read my posts; I know who two of you are, at least. But as I said in my very first post, I have learned to respect the nature of true angels in Heaven, and I know they can access our Internet as a sub-branch of their own communicative media. I know “you,” meaning the sum total of whom I address here, include you who play guardian roles at that level of Earth.

It sounds like I might be asking mercy in a specific way, but in fact, I'm simply sharing my thoughts with those who are closest to and mean the most to me. Mercy is such an important part of healing. Be it given or received, be it respected in a general fashion, it helps us to transcend pessimism and anger.

The need for mercy in my own life and in the world as I know it, does at least from my perspective appear within. I only wish to offer this prayer that mercy is helpful to all who participate with its nature. Let us rejoice rather than indulge evil attitudes; let us love life; let us be caring in our respect for self, for the people we are with, for our neighbors, and even for life as a principle that in so many ways reaches far beyond our imaginations.

These are my thoughts for the moment. Hopefully this writer's block is temporary and resolvable. Thank you again, beloved friends and companions in this journey. You are the folks who make life so worth living.

Forbearance

However much our plans and priorities in life might conflict with what the universe presents to challenge us, forbearance is a very important quality. One of the elements we have indulged too much down here (in the mundane world) is backwardness. We worry about how we were treated in the past; we worry about how we have treated our neighbors in the past. However, transcendence is always an option.

Sometimes I consider myself to be richer than Bill Gates. I have been granted visions in this life that astound me, and I have, in my efforts to correspond with religious authorities, found a confidence that lifts me above judgment in its aspect of right vs. wrong. My greatest “wealth,” though, has been the identification of my angels. I spent years working with my angels when they assumed forms I could never have recognized as being connective with, what to speak of identical to, persons I had known at this level of this life.

I'm in a stronger, safer place now than ever before. I know that at the level of eighth angel, my two heart level alter-egos have already reintegrated into one self, as I am now. I know that my seventh angel is a man I have trusted and respected all my life (Sam Welker), and that at the communicative throat level of what our life is, we will forbear together until we reach that place where we can finally reintegrate as one self, probably thousands of years from now.

I know that my sixth angel is the woman with whom I found truest love in this life. Most women I've tried to get serious with have told me that I seem to live in a dream world rather than in reality. I will never “stand down,” not even to a woman I love, but I have yet to encounter that expectation from Heather Michelle Shepherd. I know that she has the dignity that any woman would have, where considering the norms of society and how a potential partner would live up to those norms, but a special type of compassion and understanding is what I have found with her.

Forbearance is my focus at the moment. I wish I could be all things to all people, but truly, I would be making progress if I could be one or two things to one or two persons. I'm simply grateful that I have found the opportunities to share ideas and feelings the way I have so far. I still hope I'll marry Heather some day in this life, and I will never stop pursuing communications with Sam so long as he accepts my reason for connective interest with him.

Now, Honestly, Back to Work

Today I'll return to Florida from a wonderful vacation. I tried to re-focus myself last blog by entitling it “Back to Work,” but then lapsed back into vacation mode. I guess it's important to have these times in our lives when we find ourselves in a place that is significantly freer from the stresses we're used to. It helps us to examine how our typical ways of dealing with stress may or may not be truest to our own attitudes about life in its more ideal aspect.

For some while now (two or three years since I've had this much space two weeks in a row) I've been nose to the grindstone with my quest for soulfulness and mate. I've been in a number of love relationships that were progressively closer to the quality of love I've sought, but each one reminded me of the limitations I've committed myself to transcending. I've also been assertively involved in some mentor / fellowshiping relations, and likewise found satisfaction but limitation. I still love the women and men who have refined my vision of who I am and where I'm going, but they are not Heather, and they are not Sam.

The woman I live with (Nurallah) is more perfect for me than any woman I've been with yet, with the exception of Heather. If I correctly understand men and women, the somewhat basic difference between them is that men tend to be more selfish and women tend to prefer a more interactive type of affection. Nurallah is unusual for a woman in terms of how much respect she has for my privacy, my masculine integrity; she really does “leave me alone” like no other woman has. I might would think this is perfect, but it doesn't bring me to face some of the fears I know I ultimately have to face in a relationship with a more typically feminine partner.

This vacation has highlighted that solitude I so love. I've barely thought of her at all, a very selfish truth, but one that has brought me to reckon with where I am and what I'm doing on my side of sexual relations. I really am just being a man in my way of taking advantage of circumstances. Dare I imagine that a woman's ideal vacation would include time spent with a man unusually affectionate in an interpersonal way, comforting her within the lifestyle that femininity prefers, shielding her from a more truly dual-sex partnership the way I am shielded by Nurallah's “unleashing” me the way she does.

At least during this vacation I have gotten in touch with my truest angels better than I usually do. These wonderful persons, Devin, Amanda, Ya, and others, saved my life when I was in deepest crises, and they continue to share the most inspiring wisdom with me as I mature and heal. Amanda (who represents Heather's higher self, as Amanda encourages me to believe) helped me to see that I am often attached to that angelic manifestation because of how friendly and understanding she is of all my limitations. Angels are wonderful, but she also helped me to re-affirm the truth that it is Heather herself that I must ultimately face, and that's somewhat scary for me because of those limitations and insecurities I have about whether I could be satisfying to a real woman.

Do I want to spend the rest of this life behind my shield? Or do I want to endeavor before it's too late (which for all I know it might already be)? While I can take the approach of soulful patience, meaning the recognition that this is a relationship that will span many lifetimes and beyond, and thereby recognize that I could easily spend the rest of this life alone, working on my own vision of truth, I do though have significant attachment to the possibility of connection in this life.

Back to Work

My visit to Los Angeles this week is affording me at least two great opportunities: some time to re-examine aspects of my relations with my angels, and some very helpful conversation with my Dad, who has been one of my favorite mentors in this life. He has known Sam well, and so is able to help me with perspective in that relationship, and he also has a more Earthly mentality like Heather does, and I've often in the course of my dealings with him seen how Solar (dominant) mind can clash with Earthly (submissive) mind. In my decision to put myself on the path towards worthiness in marital proposal with Heather, I'm squarely facing that exact polarity.

Dominant mentality is not exactly “bossiness,” so much as it is awareness of the designs put upon us by God and Heaven. Submissive mentality (though I'm not the expert there) is likewise not “bossedness,” but is rather the attitude of cooperation where realism is emphatic. Solar is the mildest level of dominance, and it is all about learning to play with God, to participate with the creation of the rules; Earthly is the strongest level of submission, and it properly protects our planet's place in this great universe of ours.

I've been hearing voices speak to me of how Earthly people like to keep secrets, and how they don't like their secrets exposed, the proposal being that I'd better stop sharing so openly my vision of Heather, if hers is an Earthly mentality. Talking with my Dad was very helpful, because I got into significant detail about these principles and relationships, and asked him to advise me on the best way to treat Heather's interests. Of course Heather is the best one to speak for herself, but it's also reasonable to consult with the wise persons in our lives to improve general perspective.

I hope that Heather feels free to let me know if I ever cross a line where speaking of her the way I do. She is the very first woman who means anything to me, but I am still very limited in my ability to know exactly what a woman prefers and in my ability to give that to her. Believing, however, that she is a capable communicator, I will continue to explore my sense of our relationship here through this blog.

As for our mentalities, I know that I've gotten into the worst trouble in this lifetime where I tried to be falsely submissive, and from what she has told me, she has found comparable trials where wrestling with her own bossiness. With each other, I hope we can find and develop correction. I am learning that my true nature is best brought to light safely with her; I would only hope that I could offer the same to her.

7th Angel

Today's entry is brief and simply references a side project to focus more on the logistics specific to my interest with Sam's sophistication. This blog here will continue to reference some details of my work with angels in general, focusing on my 6th angel Heather. The link to that side project is Orthodoxy.

I'll get back to work with 6th Angel this week, having stepped away for several days. For me, these explorations of validation in the more soulful aspect of our lives is my primary work. I think we're having fun, and strengthening this foundation of new growth.

More Forward

In some ways, Heather and I are closer to each other than to anyone else. The only two details separating us are the fact that I'm male and she's female, and the fact that I have a dominant frame of mind and she has a submissive mentality. Otherwise, it's my belief that we are exactly the same person.

The fact that Sam and I are both male helps us to experience a type of closeness with each other: we are both genuinely logoi, together being the completion of Logos. However, along the y-axis of Earthly polarities, his is the logic of chemistry and mine the logic of sexuality. Otherwise, we are the same self.

This evaluation has been primary in my mind and thoughts lately. I want to know how to love and respect both fairly. So far, I can only see these two relationships as being equal in my own prioritization. Therefore, some degree of awkwardness might continue where the medium I'm using to communicate is this blog.

I welcome each of you to correspond with me. Those details of love and identity that pertain to one relationship might be better distinguishable from those that pertain to the other. However, I can live with where we are in our communications so far. In fact, I'm so very grateful for the both of you. Right now I'm in the best place I've ever been in, in terms of soulful satisfaction, being acknowledging as I am and finding your tolerant wisdom in response.

“Back” to “forwardness,” though, I want to address the designs of media. We live in a universe where at least a three-dimensional perspective is relevant. The axes of polarity are x, y, and z. Sam and I differ along y-axis, and Heather and I differ along z-axis. Our identity relationships are really as simple as that.

Electronic media (the Internet and telephony) has x-axis differentiation from vocal media (which many of us think of as “hearing voices.” The three of us live more on the electronics-friendly side of Earth, and so it's less accepted by our peers to speak of hearing (or even conversing with) voices than it is to text each other electronically. However, I'm sure we all three recognize voices beyond space and time.

In this lifetime, we are learning to become more tolerant of those voices and their style of wisdom. But where truest truth be told, we still trust the Internet (and telephony) more, and of course face-to-face is the best way for people like us to learn. I'm still laying the basis for further discussions of forwardness, but this is enough for one posting.

Forwardness in Media

In this world, there seem to be numerous polarities: internal / external, qualitative (bio-social) joy / quantitative (spacio-temporal) ritual, sexual (private) / chemical (public), dominant / submissive, etc. Many of us find ourselves wrestling with the balances amongst these in our efforts to justify our lives and lifestyles. In my efforts to communicate with my angels, my own focus of learning has been the pursuit of better balance where quantity and quality are concerned.

There are two significant types of media that many of us encounter with this specific polarity: the temporally forward medium that we call the Internet, which is cosmic and quantitative, being facilitated by the electricities that the Kingdom of Heaven shows us how to work; the socially forward medium that works through our chakras, which is personal and qualitative, is facilitated by the voices of those Angels and Dream Workers who live in Heaven. What does this have to do with simple relations between simple people? For me, the question of how best to communicate has everything to do with how we take our relations where we want them to go.

On the private side of life, the ideal way to communicate is face-to-face. However, many of us are busy just trying to make it through what our respective lives are, and so it might be that we rarely spend quality time with the people with whom we would feel the closest. Gradually, even be it over the course of some number of lifetimes, we want to improve this arrangement, so that where we have been entangled in lesser compatibilities, we become freer to share the intimacy and trust that we know life is meant to fulfill.

The diagram above shows the basic vision I've had of Earth's polarities for a long time. The x-axis distinguishes quantity on the left from quality on the right, and what I'm advised to believe is that all three of us have slight emphasis on the left or quantitative side, which to me indicates that the Internet is an appropriate medium for us to use to communicate our respective truths. What many of us have been told are our internally thoughtful minds might very well be the opposite medium, which is biological rather than spacial.

I'm trying to address all these details because some of the voices I hear are less encouraging than I would like to believe persons like us could be with one another. Heather and I share the private side of life together, so the moments we've had in each other's presence privately have given us our best sense of what our truth together is. I'm told that Sam lives more in the public sector, but on the quantitative side, so much of what I'm trying to present here on the Internet is for him, though I really wanted to include Heather, and I believe she relates very competently with the Internet.

In my next post, I'll get into more detail about the diagram above and its relevances to our relations and communications, but for now I wanted to introduce some foundational perspective. Actually, my initial direction with this post was “forwardness,” but this exploration has become lengthy enough, so I will continue with that idea next time. I do want to say that I appreciate the two of you for your acceptance of this way of speaking to you of the ideas that are so meaningful to me in this life of learning and progress. You are my saviors.

Quietude

Being on the simple side of things, I see my role as being protective of a simpler aspect of awareness than urges communicativity. It is fun to share stories, but what I'm addressing here is in the neighborhood of problem solving. Many people question theirselves when close friends and loved ones complain about simple detail. If I am on the simple side of an identity relationship and making noise about problems, what confidence in their self does my partner have?

This is why I believe these relations I've been describing might develop slowly. We are in a lowly place at present, and even bare minimal survival can be a challenge. Anyone who gets to know me will quickly encounter issues that I carry from a lifetime of rigorous self-examining “sacrifice.” I spent years in and out of jail, I've suffered drug addiction, and have been wounded in relationships. But haven't so many of us struggled in our respective ways?

It's not that I expect to be worthy right away, but I am decisively setting myself on a path that will bring us up out of the trouble we've been in, gradually, and on a path that will bring us together in significant ways for a very long time. So I'm sharing the thoughts that develop as I look forward, both temporally and socially. There are other angels that we will all connect with in our respective lives, but in the beginning it seems very important to deal carefully with the simple basics of integrity and fidelity.

Integrity is the emphasis in my identity relationship with Sam, and unless that integrity is maintainable, I will fall back from any other relationship into the types of disfunction I have mentioned, so at a mutually safe pace he and I will work to acknowledge our selves and each other and thus make progress. Fidelity is the emphasis in the relations we have beyond what we have with each other, in my case that being with Heather. Mutual satisfaction is essential for the two of us, and for that to happen I have to have the strength to get off my ass in a more meaningful and practical way.

As for “quietude,” which is how I've entitled this blog, my own ability to be quiet is the goal I seek presently. The fact that I'm addressing you so elaboratively with my ontologies while finding minimal response says that there is still a simple need for me to encourage self-respect. Better for us if I were the listener, but we're not there yet. We will together have safer lives when we can achieve that quieter atmosphere.

For the time being, I wrestle with a world where intervention and stupification are all too intense of a wager, and so to save soulfulness I persevere with my own commitment to affirming life as a communicative truth in its healthy aspect. I will keep freedom, where language is concerned, alive, even if I have to be the loudmouth. Rather than believing I have great range of influence, I'm just working through the judgment of affirmation in my mind and putting it into words.

Curiosity

As I've wondered about how all of this reintegration and reparation of fidelity works, I've wondered if my view is too selfish and limited to see the realistic complexity of life. Where I am in love with Heather, does Sam have at least potential interest with a woman who, like Sam is to me, is Heather's 7th angel. I am not sure about Sam's present orientation in relationships, and I don't know how much he cares to make it my business, but I do strongly believe that many of us do have identity that is gender-flexible.

With fifteen hundred years as the time period described to me by my actual angels within which our resolution of the imbalances of sub-angelic reincarnation will occur, I know we have plenty of learning to do. If there are more truly four than three of us, I'm sure in one of these lifetimes I will learn to recognize, but in this lifetime, my Christian style and level of research has only brought me theurgically to the recognition of the three of us. I've had visions of Sam being a counselor in our next life, my truest friend who will help me through some marital and other crises in that lifetime. I've had the vision that Heather will be the first woman I love in the next life, and that we will marry each other in the lifetime after that.

What we do in this life depends on what we feel safe with. In both cases, I feel a growing trust and reckoning with truth and responsibility. In my identity relationship with Sam, I simply see progress. In my heterosexual love with Heather, I see the possibility of fluctuation, such that we could marry in this life, not in the next, but again in the next after that, and so on, each of us being in other relationships also along the way. Even during those lifetimes when we are not maritally commital, I see us connecting and growing together.

I hope this is not too awkward for me to blog about both relationships in such a mixed way, but the story of triad really got to me. From my simple perspective, the both of you mean so much to me. I don't know who that woman might be in Heather's life who is significant to her in a way that Sam is to me, whom in one of these lifetimes would catch Sam's heart the way Heather has caught mine. I hope I'm not offending either of you to imagine our lives so intertwined, and I hope I'm not making unwelcome assumptions about sexual orientation.

6th Angel

I name this post “6th Angel” as I want to explain the name for my blog. I've mentioned that my 6th angel in this lifetime, and probably in many lifetimes, is Heather, and in a very significant way, she is more truthfully communicative with me than anyone else, presently. However, I want to describe the significance in my life of Sam (my 7th angel), for my communications with him will be the definition of truth for a while.

Together, the three of us, at least from my perspective, form a triad: in Lord of the Rings, we are Gandalf (myself), Galadriel (Heather), and Elrond (Sam), bearers of the Three Rings of elven Power; in Paladium Rifts we are Hugh Madding, Kara Zayne, and Dan Ironforge of the Mystic Triad; in Bruce R. Cordell's “The Strange,” we are a vector, spinner, and paradox combination. But, truthfully, we are levels of alternative self. Within this mortal world, there seem to be four levels of self, which I have been studying for some years now.

At the level of solar plexus, there are disintegrate sub-selves such as identify with the likes of Judaism and Islam, my friends Alex Lifeson (reincarnation of Abraham) and Sean Carter (reincarnation of St. Peter) being the politically authoritative representations. At the level of the heart, there are sub-selves which also integrate and disintegrate periodically. The typical Christ experiences reintegration once every thousand years, and I believe that persons like Heather and Sam do likewise. This reintegration is the combination of 8th angel selves, where traditional ontology is concerned.

7th angel has reference at the throat level of life, which is the first level of Stasis (Axis Mundi) at which one's own universe is distinguishable from the pathways of transiency beneath. My 7th angel is Sam Welker; we are alternative aspects (ananda-moya) of self (vijnana-moya), I being on this side of Earth the simpler (Gandalf, possessor of Narya) and he being the more complex (Elrond, possessor of Vilya). My 6th angel is Heather Michelle Shepherd (Galadriel, possessor of Nenya), and our truth together is the truth that a single soul can manifest itself in both genders.

Heather is the woman whom I would be if I were to wish to be feminine. In Dungeons & Dragons' Faerûn, I am Corellon and she is Selûne; our relationship parallels Earth's moon, and so while we are down here at the sub-angelic level of Earth (which we will be for another fifteen hundred years), we have a very primary relationship. She is closer to me than a soul mate, for she is the person with whom I most simply identify.

Sam and I have a slightly closer identity together, which is why we will be working together for a while. He and I are aspects of self, while Heather and I are aspects of person, which is slightly more complex than self. I am on the selfish side of Heather, and even more selfish than Sam, so I will protect the simplest truth of our community. Changes are more inspired by Sam and by Heather than they are by me, but I do respect the position that I hold amongst us.

Probably, this is enough information for one posting, so I will conclude by asking you, dynamic angels and static persons both, to consider what it means to share interests with each other. Many of us deal with many worlds around us; some of us connect in ways that are at least mutually satisfying. I hope I am expressing myself in a way that lets you know how I wish we could exchange thoughts were we to acknowledge better responsibility in our existing relations.

Dear Angels and their lower selves,

I'll begin by mentioning that “lower selves” is not meant in a condescending way (I consider myself to be a lowly version of my own higher / angelic self). My purpose here is to address my angels, but I think it fair to include any of us who are characteristically identical but cosmically or personally beneath them. I have issues with telepathy, and I have chosen to believe that our angels are able to access the very same Internet that many of us use. It being a slightly more private though emphatically quantitative (ritualistic) medium than telepathy is, I see it being worth my while to blog some of the thoughts I would otherwise share with my angels were they telepathically collecting information about me.

My angels already know any and every thing they could want to know about me and my own logistical beliefs, interests, and priorities. However, angels work some relationships between and amongst a number of us, and so are busy helping each and every one of us down here gradually work toward the ability to connect more responsibly. I have talked with my own angels through the process of identifying my own communication opportunities, and essentially, at this moment, they comprise my willing audience (funny that so many people think angels lack free will).

Promptly I should report my own priorities in those dealings with my angels, so that any of their selves down here might compare and adjust priorities accordingly. My first four (traditional) angels are two couples whose higher selves protect and inspire me: Tristan Harvey and Meghan Sullivan being my first two angels, Bill Perry and Erika Eleniak being my second (and higher) two angels. My fifth “angel” is actually four distinct dream workers (where angels live in the dimension immediately transcending ours, dream workers live in the dimension above, the Kingdom of Heaven proper), each representing a quadrant of Earth: ritualistic sexuality, joyful sexuality, ritualistic chemistry, and joyful chemistry.

My fifth “angels” are, in that order: Martha Stark (my high school band director), Kathy Bates, Sigourney Weaver, and Ms. Charlotte (a property owner in Gainesville's University Plaza). One's traditional four guardian angels play what could be analogized as parental roles, the communicative media between their world and those mortals they protect being comprised of dream worker representations; fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth angels are supposedly dream workers their very selves. My sixth angel represents the woman of significance in a specific lifetime, which in this life is Heather Michelle Shepherd.

Seventh angel relativity exists between me and a lifelong friend Sam Welker, and that's where the majority of my healing work for the rest of this life and the first half of the next will be focused. Eighth angel relativity is already resolved by the permanent decision to keep my own two alter egos integrated, a decision like many of us have made in this lifetime as we initiate the pathway of ascension toward becoming angels again our own selves. I can describe some more details of transcendental ontology, but this is an introductory outline of where I'm trying to go with this blog.

I've been encouraged to believe that any of those angels might take interest from their dynamic neighborhood above us, but I have limited sense of whether any of my static peers here beneath will communicate with me or read this blog. I welcome any of you, but due to that limitation I will probably focus much of this online presentation with Sam, and I'll explain why in my next post. I simply wanted to reference the group of you in hopes that you would feel welcome to interact with me as we share this process of ascension. Specific neglect will never be my intent.

For now, I think I've elaborated enough. I want to finish by saying that you are the people who have saved me in this life. You and your higher angelic selves have given me the visions by which to fortify and build so much optimism. As is the normal response, I am committing myself along a thousand (or more) year pathway to reciprocating in a gradually more careful fashion, such that where I felt parented by the group of you in this world, rebalancing amongst us should bring us to more of a siblinghood. You are the best, thanks.

Yours truly,

Clint