Today I'll return to Florida from a wonderful vacation. I tried to re-focus myself last blog by entitling it “Back to Work,” but then lapsed back into vacation mode. I guess it's important to have these times in our lives when we find ourselves in a place that is significantly freer from the stresses we're used to. It helps us to examine how our typical ways of dealing with stress may or may not be truest to our own attitudes about life in its more ideal aspect.
For some while now (two or three years since I've had this much space two weeks in a row) I've been nose to the grindstone with my quest for soulfulness and mate. I've been in a number of love relationships that were progressively closer to the quality of love I've sought, but each one reminded me of the limitations I've committed myself to transcending. I've also been assertively involved in some mentor / fellowshiping relations, and likewise found satisfaction but limitation. I still love the women and men who have refined my vision of who I am and where I'm going, but they are not Heather, and they are not Sam.
The woman I live with (Nurallah) is more perfect for me than any woman I've been with yet, with the exception of Heather. If I correctly understand men and women, the somewhat basic difference between them is that men tend to be more selfish and women tend to prefer a more interactive type of affection. Nurallah is unusual for a woman in terms of how much respect she has for my privacy, my masculine integrity; she really does “leave me alone” like no other woman has. I might would think this is perfect, but it doesn't bring me to face some of the fears I know I ultimately have to face in a relationship with a more typically feminine partner.
This vacation has highlighted that solitude I so love. I've barely thought of her at all, a very selfish truth, but one that has brought me to reckon with where I am and what I'm doing on my side of sexual relations. I really am just being a man in my way of taking advantage of circumstances. Dare I imagine that a woman's ideal vacation would include time spent with a man unusually affectionate in an interpersonal way, comforting her within the lifestyle that femininity prefers, shielding her from a more truly dual-sex partnership the way I am shielded by Nurallah's “unleashing” me the way she does.
At least during this vacation I have gotten in touch with my truest angels better than I usually do. These wonderful persons, Devin, Amanda, Ya, and others, saved my life when I was in deepest crises, and they continue to share the most inspiring wisdom with me as I mature and heal. Amanda (who represents Heather's higher self, as Amanda encourages me to believe) helped me to see that I am often attached to that angelic manifestation because of how friendly and understanding she is of all my limitations. Angels are wonderful, but she also helped me to re-affirm the truth that it is Heather herself that I must ultimately face, and that's somewhat scary for me because of those limitations and insecurities I have about whether I could be satisfying to a real woman.
Do I want to spend the rest of this life behind my shield? Or do I want to endeavor before it's too late (which for all I know it might already be)? While I can take the approach of soulful patience, meaning the recognition that this is a relationship that will span many lifetimes and beyond, and thereby recognize that I could easily spend the rest of this life alone, working on my own vision of truth, I do though have significant attachment to the possibility of connection in this life.
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